“They” always tell you how fast it all goes – in the blink of an eye, from newborn to adult.
And “they” aren’t wrong. It’s been 2.5 years since we had our sweet little boy, and yet in many ways it feels like it’s been no time at all. I look at him now and it’s so amazing to see him grow and change, but also sad – the little baby we brought home from the hospital, the little boy he once was, has been replaced with a new boy. Just as lovable and just as sweet, but different all the same. I try to treasure as much of this time with him as possible, because I know it’ll be gone before I know it. Especially as my second pregnancy progresses. The days of him being my one and only are numbered. As sad as it makes me to know that this marks the end of our dynamic duo, I’m also so excited to see what lays ahead of us as a new family of 4.
But right now, if I’m being completely honest, there are things I won’t miss. In the balance of wanting my little to stay little forever, there are times when I find myself aching for him to grow up…just a tiny bit.
When he wakes up in the middle of the night, tiredly calling out, “Hi Mama,” all I can think is…”I don’t miss this.” I don’t miss getting up with you, little one, I don’t miss you needing me at night, because someone else soon will. My phase in life of people needing me at 3am is not over yet. And right now I am just so. damn. tired. I don’t miss this.
When we finally weaned and stopped nursing at 23 months, because my supply dipped and changed during my pregnancy with December (the baby we lost in May), all I could think was…”I don’t miss this.” It didn’t help that our nursing relationship, though physically and mechanically very easy, was more than difficult for me. Between my own nursing aversion, and Jensen’s heavy reliance on me to sleep or soothe for the first two years of life – meaning we nursed much longer than I had originally planned – I was D-O-N-E, done. And I don’t miss it. Because my phase in life of having a tiny human relying on me for food and comfort is not over yet. I don’t miss this.
Middle photo credit (Year One): Shanna Chess Photography
Someday all of these things will change. Someday all of my babies will be grown. And when I’m done with this phase of life, I will miss every last bit of it. I will miss ALL of these moments, with ALL of my babies. I will miss getting up with Jensen in the middle of the night just as much as I will miss getting up with this little one growing in my belly, and any other future children that we may or may not have. As odd as it sounds to my own ears at this moment, I know that I will even miss nursing.
I WILL miss this. But right now, I don’t.